The Green Light

Yearning....the green light across the water was the symbol for yearning in The Great Gatsby. All of us yearn for things. In order to yearn for something it has to hurt. If it doesn't hurt other wise you are just wanting. I yearn so much to be happy. It makes me sick when I get into those moods when I just want to end it all. I don't wanna be alive and that is a shitty feeling to live with. A feeling I know so many others deal with as well. Since I did not do the reunion I will explain to people why I am so hurt by Nev and all of this MTV crap.

  When Nev and I were talking at my kitchen table, just me and him, I really felt like he cared about me. Leaving my house I REALLY did look up to Nev and was hoping for some kind of friendship there. Now I understand that Nev is busy but finding out from other cast members they have his personal phone number and that he checked in with them after their episodes aired really did hurt. Considering he never once reached out to me. I sent him tweets, an email, and nothing got a response. That just really hurt like I felt shunned. On top of that he was doing certain things with Chelsea and showing his support for her when she did the same fucking thing I did. Taking her on shows with him, making We love you Chelsea signs and shit. It may sound like I am a bit jelly but really I am just hurt by the way I was treated. I mean a tweet or message or something would have been nice of him to send out after my episode aired. If Tyler was man enough to send me an email Nev, who I did NOTHING to could have as well.

 I look back on all this and really am ready to move on and try to be happy. I poured my heart out on national television and it makes me feel used. I am dealing with depression and feel I need to be home to handle it cause I don't even feel I can make it another night without ending all this pain. Cause hopefully in heaven has better plans for me......