The First Time

      Just pretend like it's all alright. A lot easier said than done. I am not a downer or suicidal. I am just honest about life. As many beautiful things and people this world has to offer there are even more dark things. I write about the dark twisted side of love. The love that makes you crazy and willing to do anything for that person. No matter if that person is addicted to drugs or flat out dragging you down.
That desire that makes you burn for them.

    Over time I've let a lot of guys use me, treat me like a toy. Sneaking around while the girlfriend didn't know. In a way I didn't mind. I knew it was either be a secret or be nothing. Sometimes after having sex with them I would look at them and just wish they would ask me to stick around for a little longer. I wanted comfort and my body was the only thing that could get me that.
Not that I didn't have friends to talk to I just didn't share that part of my life with them.
After all, who wants to be the home wrecking whore?

  Over time, I found a new independence, a new way of claiming what was mine.
Maybe those ways weren't the best and harmed myself and others but it was something other than substance. I look back now to all those guys who fucked me and left. To all the girls who never knew their boyfriends where spending their time after practice inside of me. However, they got the part of them I wanted the most. They got the love. While we were having sex I could smell it on them...fear. The fear of their girlfriend finding out or others. I understood why they were so scared, after all who would want a life like mine.

   I remember my first time having sex. I was 17 and he was older. He was the water man who came to our house to check our water tanks. My grandparents were away somewhere I don't remember. He came to check the water tanks, I offered him a blowjob at first he refused. However, something inside him, I don't know what it was, desperation, lust, power or all of the above. He knew that he could do whatever he wanted to me, I was young, dumb, and willing at the time. He was older, much older and he got what he wanted from me. He got release and left. Just another job done for him.

  The reason I am sharing this is because I so often hear people say how much they regret their first time. Sex isn't love. It's just physical.

  So think two years down the line before you have your first time. Do you regret it?